She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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