He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
