I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am spending my child support on dildos
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
