We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
