So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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