Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
