Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Randomize
