Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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