he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
two words: eviction party
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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