Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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