Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
