So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
