Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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