I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
