Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
