I seem to have left my pride at pride
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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