how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
