I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We have started to decorate penises.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
