Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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