We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
