I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
