you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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