bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
