i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
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