she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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