textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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