im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
