im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
