Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
