If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
