I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I made him laugh his dick is mine
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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