since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
