I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
