So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i am craving dick and cupcakes
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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