I am puke
People in love make me want to vomit
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
