Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
