I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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