really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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