i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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