sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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