nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
