I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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