it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
