They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
