Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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