remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Panties = found
Randomize
