The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
