Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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