if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
