haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
