I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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