The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
