I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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