I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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