just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
