ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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